Cowboy Emmett
by JollyFray
Summary: Due to the suicidal affects of a boring day, the Cullen's take up a little game of truth or dare. Emmett has a long two weeks ahead of him, and the perfect idea for revenge. A humorous story about the trouble Emmett can get himself into. Chapter 6 up!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: You know the drill people. I don't own a thing.**

**EPV**

I was sitting in my room, staring at the ceiling, completely and utterly bored out of my mind. The sun was ricocheting off of the river outside and onto the roof at which I was staring. It had the affect of a disco ball, and had me completely enthralled. Every so often the patterns would start to look like my Bella.

She was at school and I was stuck here because of my traitorous skin.. I couldn't wait until school was out and my angel could come and save me from this UVA-and-UVB-ray-induced torture.

The light pattern was beggining to take on the shape of Bella's face again. I had to get out of there, I was going insane.

The situation downstairs wasn't any better than mine. Alice was painting her toenails the colors of the rainbow, and Rosalie was attempting to read a magazine upside down, a look of foreign concentration on her face. Emmett was sitting on the couch next to Jasper, who looked asleep (of course I knew better), watching some old western.

I sighed and sat down next to Emmett, forcing myself to watch the shootout taking place on the plasma screen.

"I'm bored," Emmett whined. "Let's go do _something_."

Rosalie looked at her husband, annoyance written all over her face. "And just what do you propose we do?"

"Anything!" Emmett nearly shouted.

"I know," Jasper said, sarcasm practically leaking from every word. "Let's all beat the shit out of Emmett. It could prove fun."

"Wait!" Alice jumped up from the sofa, her colorful choices of nail polish scattered on the floor. "I have a brilliant upon brilliant idea! Truth or Dare!"

"Brilliant upon brilliant?" Rosalie's annoyance was more apparent than ever. "You've been watching too many chick flicks."

"Let's play!" Emmett sounded like a three-year-old on Christmas morning.

Jasper groaned. "Do we _have _to? Can't we find some other way to pass the time? Like have sex? It's so much easier than Truth or Dare."

"Excuse me?" The look on Alice's face said it all. Jasper wasn't getting any for a long time.

"Baby, I did'nt mean it like that. I meant sex is more fun, not-"

He was cut off by Emmett's booming laughter. "Dude, shut up. The more you talk the deeper the hole your in is gonna get. And anyway, we can't go have sex and just leave Eddie here. That would be terribly rude of us."

"Thanks for that Emmett." I looked at Jasper, who was on his knees in front of his wife, begging for forgiveness. "I say we play. I'm so bored I could care less if it's lame. I'm in."

"Great!" Alice stepped around Jasper, completely ignoring him, and jumped onto the couch, her legs crossed under her. "Okay, rules. Once you pick truth or dare, you have to stick with it. And once your given a question to answer or a dare, you have to do or answer it, no exceptions. Everyone got it?"

"Yes!"

"Emmett," Rosalie huffed, "try to control your excitement." She turned to Alice. "Fine, I'll play."

"Oh, goody," Jasper said unenthusiastically. He got up and sat on the chair next to Rosalie's. "So, who goes first?"

"I think since it was Alice's idea she should go first." I could already tell this was a bad idea. I could hear some of the dares Emmett was thinking up, and they weren't pretty. At all.

"Okay, Rose. Truth or dare?"

"Ugh. Why did you have to pick me?" She closed her magazine and tossed it to the coffee table. "Truth I guess."

An evil smile spread across Alice's pixie-like face. "Name three of the most embarassing costumes Emmett has ever made you wear."

"Easy," Rosalie faked an uninterested yawn. "Princess what's-her-names costume from one of the star wars movies, a playboy bunny, and a naughty little red riding hood. Don't ask."

The couch started to shake with Emmett's laughter. "Good times, good times." He shook his head. "Hey, where is princess what's-her-names costume anyway?"

"In a trash heap," Rosalie said. "Far, far away. Thank God."

"Damn." Emmett shook his head in false sorrow. "So, who's next?"

"Let's go clockwise," Jasper suggested. "That means Rose is next."

"Fine, Jasper. Truth or dare?"

I'm guessing it was the emotions coming off of Rosalie that caused Jasper to become even paler than normal for a vampire. "Uh...t-truth. No, dare!"

"Ohhh no you don't." Alice was practically bouncing in her seat. "You picked truth first. Man up."

Pure evil radiated from Rosalie's smirk, and I felt truly sorry for Jasper after what I heard coming from her mind. Thank God she had no reason to torture me in such a way. Emmett's teasing was bad enough.

"Oh, poor little Jasper," she cooed. "So tell me..." She examined her fingernails, looking uninterested. "What is your favorite way to make Alice scream?"

This caused Alice to go into a fit of giggles, and completely outrage the speechless Jasper. Unfortunately, his mind wasn't stunned into silence. He was torn between totally ignoring the question, ripping Rose's throat out, and answering just to embarass his now hysterical wife.

"Well," Jasper seemed to have reached his decision and with a smirk on his face continued. "I would have to say, taking her when she's on her hands and knees."

It was Alice's turn to be speechless. It was obvious she hadn't seen this coming.

Emmett was once again roaring with laughter. "Jasper..." He was laughing too hard to form a coherent sentence. "Jasper likes it doggy-style!"

"Apparently, so does Alice!" Rosalie laughed.

"Jasper!" Alice roared. "I can't believe you would tell them that! You are so not getting laid tonight! Or any other night for that matter!"

"Hey," Jasper was immediatly on the defence, "you were laughing about it a minute ago!"

"That's because I didn't think you would actually answer that idiotic question!"

"Hey!" Rosalie shouted. "That was a perfectly good question! Not idiotic at all!"

"Don't worry Rosie." Emmett said. "I agree with you."

"What about me?" I decided I might as well say my piece. "I'm scarred for life! I will forever have to live with the image of Jasper and Alice doing the nasty like a couple of dogs!"

This got responses such as:

"Doing the nasty?"

and, "Dude! You are such a prude!"

"Dammit Jasper! Sometimes you can just be so," it took Alice a second to come up with the right word, she was so angry, "stupid!" And with that she stormed out of the room.

Jasper started to go after her but I stopped him, telling him he should give her a while to cool down, or all he would have for the next year would be his hand.

"Well let's keep playing," Emmett said once Jasper had unwillingly sat back down. "I believe you're next you little prude."

Well two can play at that game. "Alright _Emmie_. Take your pick. Choose wisely now, _Emmie_." It took all of .2 seconds after hearing Rosalie's nickname for him for Emmett to look as if he was about to tear my throat out.

"Alright _Eddie,_" he said with a sneer. "I pick dare."

Typical of Emmett. Always being the macho male who always picks dare and never, ever, picks truth. Personally I think it's cowardly. But if I ever even let him think that I thought that, I wouldnt have a throat to breathe with.

"Fine." I had already picked the dare . It was perfect for Emmett. "I dare you to act like the main character of that ridiculous western you were just watching for the next two weeks. Ineverythingyou do. And I mean_ everything_." I gave Rosalie a meaningful glance, seeing as Emmett still had a blank look on his face.

"There is no way in hell Edward!" Rosalie was seething. "You can't force me to do anything! It wasn't my dare!"

"Awww. What's wong Wosy?" Jasper asked. "Too afwaid?" He was clearly enjoying this small revenge.

"I'm not afraid you nimrod. Cowboys don't turn me on. It's that simple."

"So your saying, you and Emmett aren't going to have sex for the next two weeks?" I asked. Rosalie just glared at me.

The whole time poor Emmett had sat on the couch, too stunned to say anything, that is until I mentioned two sex-free weeks. As soon as my words registered in his brain he was crouched in front of me, ready to pounce.

"You're going to regret that little brother."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Same as always. Me. Own. Nothing. Sadly.**

**EPOV**

Just as I was about to be ripped apart, limb by limb, my angel walked through the door. I couldn't figure out if I should be relieved that she was here and Emmett couldn't kill me, or concerned for her safety. But as soon as Emmett realized Bella was watching him, he immediately straightened up from his offensive posture, and put a polite I'll-kill-you-later look on his face.

I could tell she knew something had been about to happen, but felt no reason to worry her with something so idiotic as a soon to be sex-deprived Emmett. There were worse things in this world, such as watching her worry over me. There was no point to it. For the most part I'm indestructible.

"Um, Edward?" she asked, hesitantly. I walked over to her and put my arm around her waist.

"Yes, my love?" I heard Emmett mutter 'coward' under his breath, just low enough so that Bella wouldn't hear. I growled at him and he chuckled.

I looked down to see Bella's concerned eyes looking up at me. "What's going on?" she whispered.

"What's going on?!" Emmett screamed, throwing his hands into the air. "I'll tell you what's going on! Your prude boyfriend just ruined my life!"

"I did not." He was already blowing this out of proportion. "It's only two weeks, and it's only sex." I smiled knowingly down at Bella as she blushed furiously. She's just so cute when she does that. I had half a mind to pick her up, race her to my room, and lock her up in it with me for a few days.

"Sex," Emmett waled, "is my life!"

Rosalie rolled her eyes and walked upstairs to join Alice, talking to her husband as she disappeared on the landing, "you really should find another way to pass the time Emmett."

I couldn't help the smile on my face, seeing Emmett so lost. This was going to be so fun! "Excuse me Emmett." I said. "But if I'm not mistaken, you should be speaking in that old-timey western slang right about now." I was grinning ear to ear and I could tell Emmett would like nothing better right now than to strangle me.

"Well then," Emmett drawled in his best imitation of a southern accent, "I guess I should be leavin' the two u yu alone now, so's you kin git right ter starin' deeply inta each uthers eyes like the love sick pup's yu are." And with that he swaggered to the kitchen, just like the cowboy in the movie.

What can I say, a Cullen never turns down a dare.

* * *

**BPOV**

School had been long and overly boring. Just as I was about to run from the gym screaming my head off, the bell rang, and I was free to go. On a day without Edward, it became my own personal hell. Like a prison I would never escape from.

I pushed my old truck as fast as it would go all the way to the house hidden in the woods. I was literally bouncing in the seat with excitement when I caught a glimpse of the shingled roof through the leaves. My salvation lay in wait just on the other side of the ornate wooden door.

I couldn't contain myself, I flew from the truck and was up the steps, across the porch, and throwing open the front door before the truck made a final growling noise and shut off. What I saw in the living room made me freeze. All it took for me to defy Newton's laws of motion was an unamused-looking Rosalie, Jasper doubling over in laughter, a stony-faced Edward, and a ready-to-pounce Emmett.

I watched as both Edward and Emmett realized I was on the brink of witnessing one of their much-talked-about fights, which I wasn't aloud to watch due to the danger it put me in. Emmett stood up to his full height, looking at Edward as if to say, 'your time will come, soon.'

I really didn't want to witness my boyfriends head being ripped off at the moment, because that's exactly what I thought Emmett was going to do. "Um, Edward?" I broke the silence.

He came towards me and wrapped his arm around my waist. "Yes, my love?"

Before I could answer, he turned to Emmett and growled. Something he said, I concluded, but all Emmett did was laugh at him.

He turned back to me. "What's going on?" I was too shaken to speak any louder than a whisper.

"What's going on?!" Emmett took it upon himself to answer me. "I'll tell you what's going on! Your prude boyfriend just ruined my life!"

"I did not. It's only two weeks, and it's only sex." At this I blushed furiously, and when I looked up at Edward, he had a knowing smile.

Emmett looked as if he was about to cry when he waled, "sex is my life!" I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, and knew I was as red as a tomato.

"You really should find another way to pass the time Emmett," Rosalie called down as she gracefully stomped up the stairs.

Now the only thing between Emmett and Edward was Jasper and me, and Jasper was still laughing his ass off. "Excuse me Emmett." I looked up as Edward spoke and saw a mile-wide grin on his gorgeous face. "But if I'm not mistaken, you should be speaking in that old-timey western slang right about now."

As soon as the words were out of Edward's mouth, Emmett got a determined look on his face. "Well then, I guess I should be leavin' the two u yu alone now, so's you two kin git right tu starin' deeply inta each uthers eyes like the love sick pup's yu are." I was, once again, blushing as Emmett walked into the kitchen.

What in the hell was going on? It was all so confusing. Here's what I've got so far. Edward has obviously done something to piss Emmett off. Not a smart move on his part. I'm guessing that Edward somehow got Rosalie to not have sex with Emmett for two weeks. Either that or he somehow got Emmett to agree to it, which I seriously doubt considering his reaction. Okay, I got that part figured out. So where did the accent fit in?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Someday, I will own something of my own, but for now, if I say I own Twilight it would be stealing. So, alas, I do not.**

**RPOV**

"You are so evil." I was grinning wickedly at my sister, whose grin matched my own. "How long do you think he'll be able to hold out?"

Alice laughed. "And you say I'm evil." She shook her head, then concentrated, getting a far away look as she peered into the future. Coming out of her trance, she shook with laughter again. "He won't last two days! this is going to be so much fun!"

"Let's just make sure he doesn't find out that we're behind this," I advised. "If he does, I am so dead."

"Not just you," Alice countered. "If we mess this up, we're both going to be on the chopping block." The things we women go through to torture our man.

"You should have seen the look on Emmett's face. It was priceless!" We were rolling around, clutching our sides as we laughed. "Hey." I sat up, an idea coming to me. "Do you think we should let Bella in on it?" I had been trying to be nicer to her. The things that had happened to me weren't her fault. I had no right to blame her just because she was human.

Alice got the here-but-not-really-there look again, then snapped out of it. "Oh, our little Bella will be much happier if we leave her out of it." Evil grin back in place.

"What did you see?" What? I was curious. So sue me.

"She's growing up so fast." Alice faked wiping tears from her eyes.

"What are you talking about?!" Oops, gotta be quieter. Can't have anyone overhearing anything important.

Alice gave me an exasperated glare. "Isn't it obvious? Do you need me to spell it out for you?"

"Better than me drawing the wrong conclusion, isn't it?"

"Bella and our little brother are going to be busy for the next couple of days."

We were laughing once again. I must say, it was about damn time. With all the pent up sexual frustration rolling around this house at all hours of the day and night, I'm surprised they held out this long. Now we could put the plan in motion. we've already got the foundation, it's time to start building the house.

* * *

**JPOV**

The emotion radiating off of Bella wasn't hard to place. Confusion. Lots of confusion. And I'm guessing from the emotions coming off of Edward, explaining what had just happened was the farthest thing from his mind. I wondered if he would actually follow through with it this time. It was all making me sick. Here I was, facing the possibility of an eternity without sex with Alice, and he's sending me fluffy feelings. Unknowingly of course. But still. Show some respect for the soon-to-be sexually deprived.

He looked at me, an apologetic look on his face. Stupid mind-reader. He didn't look so apologetic after that. Instead, he gave me a wicked glance and smirked. he then lifted Bella up bridal style, and proceeded to carry her to his room. Where I'm sure soon lots of emotions and sounds would soon be radiating from. Oh joy.

Half of me is happy for him, even proud. And the other half wants me to tie him up and drop him, weighted, into the pacific ocean. And leave him there for a little while. I mean he wouldn't die. He doesn't _have_ to breath. And the water wouldn't crush him. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded.

That's when the noises started. Bella is a lovely young girl, but the last thing I needed right now was to listen to her moan. I had to get out of there. If I didn't, I might actually follow through with that diabolical plan of mine.

I raced out of the house just as the whimpering started. Old guys and pimples, old guys and pimples. Think of the grossest thing you can and stick with it. Or go find chains and cement blocks. Make it a lot of chains and cement blocks. After all, Edward was a vampire. And vampires just happen to be known for their strength.

"If he wants me to be a cowboy, then dammit, I'll be a cowboy." I looked up to see Emmett eying me. And that's how I got roped into a shoot-out.

* * *

**Heehee! Cliffy! A big one, too! Mwuahahahaha!!!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight? Damn. **

**EmPOV**

I know what your thinking. He's not really going to go through with it is he? Well, to answer your question, yes. I am. You see, the Cullen family takes many things seriously. Including not killing humans, only drinking animal blood, and doing whatever we've been dared to do. Edward dared me to act like a cowboy for two weeks so I will act like a damn cowboy. Even if it means... Even if it means... _No sex. _If vampires could cry, I would be bawling right about now.

So what better way to kick off this dare with a bang, than to trick someone into a gun fight. Cowboys get into gun fights all the time. It's like an everyday thing for them. The only problem was, who was stupid enough to trick into doing it. My first choice would have been Edward, but it sounded like he was busy at the moment. Hmmm. And then, my problem was solved. A very distressed Jasper came barreling out of the house. It was obvious that the emotions coming from Edward's bedroom were too much for the overly sensitive chump. Perfect.

"If he wants me to be a cowboy, then dammit, I'll be a cowboy." Unfortunately, we didn't have any guns on hand. Being vampires, we didn't need them.

"Whatever your planning, I want no part in it." What a chicken shit. It didn't matter. I didn't need his permission. I looked around to find something to use instead of guns.

"Ah-ha!" Oh, yeah. I'd found the perfect replacements. Jasper was looking a little uneasy. I could tell he was having a hard time choosing between the house and what I had in store for him.

"Ah-ha what?" asked Jasper.

"We'll use rocks!" I exclaimed. it was the closest thing I had.

"Use rocks for what?" The uneasiness on his face was more clear than ever. I could tell he was seriously considering going back in the house.

I looked at him like he was an idiot, as if he should already know the answer. "For the gun fight. Duh."

He got a defeated look on his face. He knew there was no getting out of it. He picked up a rock and tossed it up and down. Then without warning he threw it at me as hard as he could. I didn't have time to dodge it, and just like the bullet it was supposed to be, it went straight through my thigh. Damn! That shit hurt! This was going to be awesome!

Before I had time to straighten myself out, another rock came at me and just missed my head. That's it. He was starting to piss me off. I picked up a handful of pebbles and flung them at Jasper's torso. On impact, the tiny handful of rocks threw Jasper back about twenty yards. he growled in pain. The little rocks were still in his body. He would have to throw them up later, the holes where they had gone in were already beginning to heal. This was almost as good as it would have been had we been able to use guns.

I couldn't help it, seeing Jasper flying backwards had me laughing my ass off. It was hilarious.

The breath was knocked out of me when something, or someone, ran into me full force. It couldn't be Jasper. He was still on the ground.

"You idiot!" Alice screamed at me. She slammed my head into the ground hard enough to crack my skull. "You hurt him!" She lifted my head up to slam it down again, but was suddenly pulled off of me. I heard lots of growling and shredding sounds and when I flipped myself over to see what was happening, I saw my wife and Alice wrestling. Clothes had been ripped off as they tumbled on the ground. If only it was muddy!

It took me a second to get on my feet. My head was throbbing. I pulled Rosalie off of Alice reluctantly, and held her to my chest. She twisted in my arms and yanked my head down to her eye level to check my head. Then, when she was sure I was alright, she slapped me. Hard. I was sure I had the imprint of a hand on my cheek.

"You dumb shit! You could have seriously hurt Jasper! You," slap, "dumb," slap, "shit!" Another slap.

When I attempted to grab her arms and hold them down to save my swimming brain from any more abuse, she kneed me. Never in a million years did I think my wife would ever knee me in the crotch, but she did. And I was down for the count. What really pissed me off was that I could hear Jasper laughing at me. I was going to kill him.

Rosalie's unconcerned face hovered over me. "Are you done now?" she said in a bitchy tone. You know which one. There isn't one girl in the universe who hasn't used it at one point in their life.

I was about to give her a piece of my mind when I remembered the dare. I stood up, a little shaky, and said in the best accent I could muster at the time, "Yes, ma'am. Sorry if I threatened ya in any way. I'll just be a goin' now." I could hear Rosalie chuckling as I slumped off into the woods to hunt.

"Oh, don't you worry darlin'" I muttered. "Your gonna git what's comin' to ya." I thought it was a bit to cheesy to laugh evilly.

* * *

**APOV**

I could tell that Jasper was still sore. I could have killed Emmett for what he had done to him. This stupid prank wasn't supposed to get people hurt. He leaned on me as we walked up the stairs to our room, and the whole time he was clutching his middle. We slipped into the room, and I carefully lowered him to the bed. He looked up at me with those puppy dog eyes, and I smiled. I couldn't stay mad at him for too long. It was impossible.

Then my innocent-looking husband sent me waves of passion, lust, and love, and I was lost. Bastard.

* * *

**Happy new year, everybody! Reviews are much appreciated, even the flames!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the last time I checked my birth certificate Stephenie Meyer wasn't my name.**

**A/N: Ok, my logic about how the rocks went through Jasper and Emmett is this, vampires are strong so I think they would be perfectly capable of throwing rocks through objects, even other vamps. : ) Also, I'm on winter break so that's the reason why I have been updating so quickly. After I get back to school, I'll try to get out a chapter a week. No promises though. Also, I've just been in the mood to write.**

**RPOV**

My stupid idiot of a husband had been gone for three hours, and still no one had heard from him. I prayed he wasn't planning something stupid. That would be just like him. I sat on the front porch, watching the sun go down. There was a lot of huffing and puffing going on in the house at the moment, and I for one did not want to be subjected to the others sexual noises. I was seriously miffed at Alice for giving in so fast. Now the next two weeks wouldn't be as fun as I had planned. But I could deal.

As for Edward and Bella, I was glad for them. They had been through a hell of a lot together and it was about time they were finally able to truly express their love for each other. I was turning into such a sap. Where was that husband of mine? I was beginning to grow impatient.

The sun disapeared behind the trees. Just as the last rays began to sink with it, Emmett loped out of the forest. As soon as he saw me, his eyes lowered to the ground and he walked slowly toward me.

"Where have you been Emmett?" I was planning on being as mean as I could, but it came out sounding like a concerned and loving wife's voice.

He got a pained look on his face. " I bin huntin'," he said in a southern drawl. It was obvious that he didn't like it.

He looked longingly at me. It wasn't hard to figure out what he was thinking. It had been less than twenty-four hours ago when we last had sex. He was such a pansy.

"Rosie." He used his nick-name for me.

"No! I already told you that cowboys are not my thing!" I had to get away from him before the whole joke was ruined. The combination of his sad eyes and lonely dimeaner were dragging me down. One more second of the weepy act he was giving me and all would be lost.

I jumped up and ran, too fast for him to catch me. That had been way too close. I almost ended up like Alice. But unlike Alice, I wasn't enjoying myself at the moment. Damn her weak will. But I had no worries. Once the next two weeks were up, I would have successfully pranked my hubbie and I would be able to have all the wild sex I wanted. All I had to do was stay away from Emmett.

* * *

**EmPOV**

I watched as Rosalie ran off into the woods I had just come from. That had been too easy. Sometimes she just didn't give me enough credit. She didn't think I was just gonna sit back and take this, did she? Oh, no. I was already planning my revenge on Edward. He was going to pay for this. I had already come to terms with the fact that I was going cold turkey for the next two weeks.

My reasoning for running off Rosalie was this, if she found out about my plan she would never let me go through with it. Especially if she found out that there was a very good chance it was going to ruin one of her outfits. I was going to get my revenge, no matter what I had to do. And it was going to be priceless.

Now that she was out of the picture, I could begin planning the ultimate showdown.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Me? Own Twilight? Have you lost your mind?**

**EmPOV**

It had been almost two weeks. Two quiet weeks of faking a southern accent, refraining from choking snickering humans, and being sickened by Edward and Bella's incessant snuggling. Two weeks of lying low and under the radar. Two boring as hell weeks. The dare would be over my the end of tomorrows school day. I would only have one day to execute my ingenious plan. All I had to do was keep Edward out of my head and Alice from having visions. Difficult, but not impossible. All I had to do to deter the already partially side-tracked Edward has sing 'The Sound of Music' with my own made-up lyrics,

_My dick comes alive, with the sound of moaning._

You get the picture. After a few disgusted looks from my newly sexually awakened younger brother, he stopped reading my thoughts. Alice though, was a different story. I had to think like Victoria did. Like I had no idea what I was going to do, when in actuality, I did.

Phase one, complete. Now we move on to phase two. The set up.

* * *

**Don't freak people, it's only a time change. Still Emmett's point of view. ; )**

It was incredibly warm out today, and I almost dropped to my knees and sang 'hallelujah' when I saw that the sun hadn't come out. That would have ruined everything.

The drive to school was spent thinking avidly of the different types of trees rushing by in order to keep Edward from suspecting anything. I never really counted the number of tree types before, but it's a lot.

"What are you planning?" Damn. I'd been found out. "Found out? Oh, hell Emmett. Your not going to do anything stupid are you?"

_My dick comes alive..._

It didn't take him long to figure out what I was doing, and he put his concentration back on the road. But I didn't trust him. Our little Edward can be quite devious when it comes to something he wants.

"Devious, huh?" Hah! I knew it.

I grinned at him. "I have taught you well, grasshopper."

He snorted. Obviously he didn't think my antics were funny.

"It's because they're not."

"Hey, stop reading my mind! Hasn't anyone ever told you it's rude?" _I would like to keep my thoughts to myself, thank you very much,_ I thought to him.

"Oh, yes. Like your dirty version of 'The Sound of Music'?" I saw Rosalie stiffen beside me. "Let me know if I get it wrong." He paused to clear his throat. "'My dick comes aliiive, with the sound of muuuusssii-" Edward made a horrible choking noise. Possibly because I had my arm wrapped around his throat and was squeezing as hard as I could. It took me a minute to figure out that he was laughing at my attempt to choke him to death. At least trying to laugh. He wasn't succeeding. All that came out was a sort of gurgle.

"Emmett!" Rosalie shrieked in my ear. "Let him go! Jeez, sometimes you can be so immature!" Even though I knew I wasn't hurting him, I reluctantly let him go. I was immature at times, but I did want to have sex with my smokin' hot wife tonight. And every night for the rest of our existence. Memories of Rosalie in the playboy bunny costume surfaced in my mind.

"Ack! Damn Emmett! Go back to thinking about trees! I don't want to know what Rosalie looks like dressed up as a rabbit! Dammit!"

Rosalie smirked beside me and gave me a seductive look. Hell yes!

When we got to the school, Edward was still in one piece and I was seriously horny. Which, made Jasper horny, which made everyone else horny. At least Edward and Jasper could rely on Alice and Bella to relieve them.

My first period was chemistry. Boring! I had been through this class like a million times. I new all of the elements, backwards and forwards. Then was English. We were reading Beowolf. Very interesting if your in to all the gore. Third was Trig. Enough said. After then was health. Now that was kinda funny. The teacher passed out condoms and packets on safe sex. Like I was ever gonna need or use any of that. Waiting for lunch was harder than expected.

And then, the bell rang, and I was free to put all of my plotting into action. I sat down with the rest of the family like any other day, and checked out what was on the menu. Pizza and chili and a slice of cake. Hell yes! I had hit the mother load.

I waited until all of the students were in the cafeteria. It wouldn't be fun unless everyone was in on it.

"In on what?" Edward asked. Obviously he wasn't as distracted by Bella as I thought. Which was hard to imagine, seeing as she was practically in his lap. He glared at me.

"You can't scare me Eddie. I know all of your deep dark secrets. Bella's, too." I smirked when both Edward and Bella paled.

"Don't you dare Emmett," Edward warned, glare back in place.

"What?" I asked innocently.

As he was about to answer, I figured that now was as good a time as any. I stood up and cupped my hands over my mouth so everyone in the room would hear me. "Attention all lunchroom customers and brown baggers!" I stopped to clear my throat, even though I didn't need to. " FOOD FIGHT!!!" Then I threw my cake, right in Bella's face, and ran like hell.

"Boys against girls! Boys are cowboys!" I screamed. "And girls are injuns!"

From across the room, I heard someone yell, "attack!" and when I turned to look, everyone was actually going along with it. The boys and girls had teamed up against each other, and had shielded themselves from flying food with turned over tables. War had commenced. My plan had worked! I ducked behind a table with a group of guys I didn't know in my haste to get away from the seriously pissed-off Edward, and his pastry-faced fiance. I saw a table with a load of girls piled behind it, some screaming uselessly about their hair, and others joining in on the battle. I picked up a slice of pizza and let it fly. It hit Jessica in the back of the head, and she ran from the building, screaming, while being pelted with all different kinds of lunchroom items. Payback's a bitch.

All of a sudden, I was hit with a piece of cake on the side of my face. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it coming. When I looked to see who the perpetrator was, I saw Bella, crouched behind a table with Alice and Rosalie, giving me an innocent smile and a finger wave. Damn! Bested by a human!

Then the teachers came running in. Everything froze. I heard the squelching of a greasy slice of pizza as someone dropped it. Then, being the brave soul that I am, I picked up a bowl of chili, and aimed right for the principals head. All hell broke loose at once. Instead of boys against girls, it was students against teachers. Revenge was sweet.

Of course, everyone eventually ran out of food, and with that, our ammo. Many of us brave soldiers were sent to the office, where our parents were called. But we all held our heads high, and our stuck-on food products higher.

Carlisle could barely hold in his laughter when he came to pick up Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Edward, and me. But Charlie was a different story. Like any law enforcement officer would be, he was pissed. I almost felt sorry for Bella. Almost.

Even though I'd been through hell these past two weeks, I have to admit, it was all worth it. I had proved once and for all, that I was the master of the dare.

* * *

**Well, that's the end of Cowboy Emmett. Hope you liked it! Now I can start Edward's Side. **

**Peace!**


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